Truth About Computer Security Hysteria

Cyber-terror caught on film — let's caption the photo!

Someday soon, several bands of small terrorist cells will gather together in a cave to blow up the Internet... Basayev kept uttering Magneto's classic line during the photo shoot. "You Homo Sapiens and your guns..." What will I do without the Internet? I mean, it's not like I can go to work like everyone else and play solitaire on my PDA while standing in a long line at the cafeteria espresso machine. It's not like I can turn to my cubicle neighbor and say "this is soooo like the PC maintenance crew to let a virus slip in right when I needed to email next year's Q3 estimate to the vampires on the fifteenth floor." It's not like I can go to those insipid project meetings I always seem to weasel out of under normal circumstances... No doubt our paladins at Kaspersky Labs will vanquish the cyber-terrorists with their +5 singing swords of holy might... And my personal favorite:
"After a long day of writing computer viruses in a shady grove, this guy likes to go home and plait flowers..."

Allan Dyer (Yui Kee):

"Intel's new Centrino marketing campaign: 'No power, no wires, lying in damp leaf mould — what a wonderful place to bring down the Internet.'"

Craig Golby:

"Curse that XP Service Pack 2, how does Bill Gates expect me to wage Jihad when he keeps breaking my computer!!!"

Bill Hobson:

"One more security patch to download and I can destroy the Internet! 'LSASS error. Computer shutting down.' What???"

William A. C. Smith:

• "Now that the wireless is working all we have to do is get the espresso machines working. That'll teach Starbucks a lesson."
• "What'd ya mean 'Blue Screen of Death' is not an installable application?"

Earl Borah:

"Where did I copy those real pictures of Anna Kournikova? I can't find them anywhere — just these darn trojans!"

"English Scum":

"Whilst installing his pirated version of 'Mikrosoft Cyber Attack for World Domination,' Shamil enlists the help of his colleagues: '...does anyone know where I can find the Any Key?'"

Doug Morgan:

• "Lets see... Who can I email to help us spread fear? OH YEAH! ....Drear Mr. Steve Gibson: We are taking over the internet with RAW SOCKETS.....TEE HEE HEE!"
• "That looks like a powerful virus that could really do a lot of damage... ohhh an infidel porn pop-up... WOW! I hope all my 72 virgins have racks like that!"

Jim Pool:

"AKH! An dis one, Snoopy KAPUT! An dat one, Dear Abby KABOOM! An dis one, Vmyth ist KAPUT! An' dat one, KERBOOM!!!"

Forest Huggins:

"Hmmm...
Start>Run>HellishWasteland_N2_GreenParadise.exe. Yes!!
Run>MyOwn_72_Virgins.exe. WHAT??! File not Found?
That's IT!! It's eJihad!! I will send such teh 1337 H4><0rz, My ScRiPt pwnz R007 4t teh Gr347 54T4N!!!11one!oneone!!"

Per Hellqvist (Symantec):

• "Sweet! Look at this, guys!! All I have to do is to open up a bank account and send this guy some blank business cards and he will give me millions!! I can't believe my luck! Imagine a real prince from the Ivory Coast funding Jihad!"
• "WTF! OMG! LOL! 0wnage! u n00b! Playing Counter-Strike is amazingly like real terrorist action!"

Rod Fewster (Antivirus Australia):

"Vot der hell means 'Press any key to continue or any other key to quit'???"

Mark Charlton:

• "What do you mean Command & Conquer isn't an Al-Queda [insert relevant insurgent organisation here] training manual?"
• "Look all this ability with only 'Internet for Dummies.' Think what I'll be able to do with my distance learning CLAIT course. Mu hwa hwa hwa"

Michael Yaffe:

"If I only had a Cantenna!! But where can I get those American Pringles?"

Steven Miller:

"Suddenly a shot rang out, the maid screamed..., darn that Snoopy, I'll show him how to finish that novel."

Jeff Ivester:

"Stupid darn pop-up ads... your days are numbered X10.com, you too homeloan.com, and you hirealawyer.com, and you..."

David Stever:

"Shamil Basayev is seen, intent on bettering his Tetris score while on a break from murdering Russian school children"

Skip Runyan:

"... to kill the '%System%\WINdirect.exe' process (I like kill) first press control, (okay, that's CTRL), now press Alt (funny name for key), and now Delete ... where the !@#$ is delete?!"

Gerry Brinkman:

• "Wow! That turkish porn site was HOT! Now, off to blow up the internet. Except that turkish site maybe."
• "That's it! Curse you Bill Gates and XP SP2. I'm switching to Mandrake!"
• "Blasted hotmail... down again..."
• "Darn. Heng Seng up 3, NYSE up 8, Nasdaq up 2 3/4. What am I doing wrong?"
• "Take that infidel swine! I will instant message you to death the next time you open MSN..."
• "Okay, okay, it was a lousy spot to stop and check email... but look at my really cool GPS locator!"
• "Allah's eyes, woman. For the last time, I'm NOT stopping to ask for directions. Look! I have the new Microsoft Map software..."

Kurt Zanzi:

• "All I need is a King of Hearts..."
• "Man, Jenna Jameson is hot... maybe this Internet is not such a bad thing after all!"

"DWoodalL":

"Geez , this poor guy needs a few bucks to help him out in another downtrodden country. He says he will pay me back a hundredfold. I will forward this to all my friends so they can help him too."

Wayne Brewer:

"Your evaluation copy of CyberTerror 2.1 has now expired. Please register on-line to download the full version at www.gotcha.cia.con"

Michael Thorp:

• "Doom 3? I thought this site was about jihad."
• "Let's see ... the red five goes on the black six."

Gene Dew:

Sputnik X300 laptop with Gorkey II processor and wireless modem: 7500 Rubles
IP address at Jihad.com: 70 Rubles a year
Look on President Bush's face when you deface the Whitehouse website: priceless.

Troy Fisher:

"Writer/cyber-terrorist Shamil Basayev prepares to terrorize the English language with his entry in the annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest."

Ellie Sharbono:

"Aaww! You sunk my battleship!"

Henning Eggers:

"Combat simulations are cool but this machine is just not built for Doom 3..."

Auraelia de Medici:

"Wild and Crazy guy seeking single crazy woman for friendship, possibly more (like bringing down the free world). Must enjoy camping, computer hacking, and attempting to rid the world of corporate internet pigs. Send your replies to wildguy@russian.net (if it's still there)."

Stan Joslin:

"Hmmmmm... I didn't know I could buy Viagra without a prescription."

Joe Lee:

"COWARD at work."

J.A. Gross:

"If I can just finish programming Jihad III for Playstation, I'll make millions!"

Brian Jordan:

"IBM's new tough all-weather notebook is a hit! Read what cyber-terrorist Basayev has to say about it. 'With IBM's new notebook I can run my picture-by-picture e-book, How To Be A Cyber Terrorist in 24 hours outside in freezing temperatures until I turn blue, my noodle can't think any more, and I can't feel my fingers. Thanks IBM!' "

Don Fuller:

"Aha, Holy Jihad here it is, Gillette Foamy Gentle Face shaving cream. 'Order Now' "

"Renderman":

• ""Spam me will you!!!" {insert angry, over the top button pressing action}
• "Waging a war, one spam at a time"
• "I should have bought a Mac"

Marty Ryszka:

• "Amaroooosa, Ooooo, fire me momma!"
• "O.K., naked women on the internet don't count cause they're not real."
• "I wonder if the boss knows about this 'liquor hold-up' game?"
• "Ahhh, 'infidel' trumped my bid on Ebay!!""
• "Isn't that Hilton video free anywhere??"
• "Praise be! The 4-H club shows the winning sheep!"
• "Just wait! When we kill all the net 'pop-ups' the world will be mine!!"
• "A O heL..... Oh, now I get it!!"
• "Haaa! Even Google doesn't have a recipe for 'Dried Rock' soup."
• "Call tech support??? Prime minutes, roaming fees, riiiiight like 'that's' gonna happen!"

[third edition]