U.Calgary's virus-writing course (chapter 3)

Rob Rosenberger, Vmyths co-founder
Saturday, 31 May 2003 [continued from chapter 2] AS YOU MAY know, Canada's University of Calgary announced they would offer a new "Computer Viruses and Malware" course where drunken undergraduate frat boys will write malicious software for college credit. I received an email from Vmyths reader Jamie Reynolds after I filed a column about the controversy.

I believe high-ranking U.S. officials will someday describe Canada as a clear and present danger to U.S. national cyber-security.

Indeed, racist senator Charles Schumer may exploit the University of Calgary's "Malicious Software 101" course to justify FBI background checks for computer science teachers & students. "Do you have to come across as some rampant canuck hater? It's not the time for racism, even where Americans are concerned." Good point, Jamie. I don't hate Canada — they just make an all-too-easy target for my brand of comedy. A casual reader may not know I often use tongue-in-cheek humor to make a point. I encourage everyone to read About.com's perceptive interview with me on the need for comedy in computer security. (And speaking of tongue-in-cheek: let's digress for a moment. I don't hate the state of Nebraska, either — I just don't want them to declare war against the state of Iowa where I live. Seriously: Nebraska may declare war on Iowa thanks to state senator Pam Brown, who planted her own tongue firmly in cheek when she proposed it. She, too, understood some people might not "get" the point of her humor. "I've been cautioned that the members of the Iowa Legislature might not take it kindly," she told one reporter.) I'll extract my tongue from my own cheek so we can clear the air. Know this: I believe high-ranking U.S. officials will someday describe Canada as a clear and present danger to U.S. national cyber-security. Indeed, racist senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) may exploit the University of Calgary's "Malicious Software 101" course to justify FBI background checks for computer science teachers & students. Reynolds' email mentioned the word "racism." I said it before and I'll say it again:
The next time you listen to Schumer rant about cyber-Chinks and E-rabs, you can say to yourself "hey, the senator from New York IS a racist!" Schumer doesn't care about poor computer virus command & control — he just wants to kick turbans & coolie hats out of U.S. computer classrooms. Racism plays well if you can package it as computer virus hysteria.
You'll find a big difference between me and people like senator Schumer. He'll mean it if he declares Canada a cyber-threat. He'll want you to fear the wrath of Calgary's student body. He'll demand FBI background checks for computer science teachers & students. Don't believe me? I can paraphrase senator Schumer in context on the threat Canada poses to the United States. I'll paraphrase his prepared remarks from a February 2002 cyber-security hearing. I repeat, this is an in context paraphrase:
We now know that Canada is training people in Internet warfare. They're sending students to Canadian universities to learn computer science so they can go home and possibly use it against us. Canada's own schools that their children attend, that their tax dollars fund, are probably now serving as digital training grounds for future cyber-terrorists. And we're doing nothing about it... A more technologically sophisticated Timothy McVeigh may at this moment be at the University of Calgary, developing a virus that could undermine the American economy.

I use comedy to dispel hysteria (and, to a lesser extent, to point out racist agendas disguised as computer security).

Sometimes, though, I wind up insulting innocent people in order to mock the absurd. I owe Canada an apology for this reason. Let me repeat: I paraphrased senator Schumer in context. You watch — he & others will use the University of Calgary as "just one example" of the dire Canadian cyber-threats we now face.
I JOKE ABOUT this stuff; people like Schumer don't. I plant my tongue firmly in my cheek; they speak with forked tongues. To quote comedian Richard Jeni: "comedians probably have more license to tell the truth than anybody." I use comedy to dispel hysteria (and, to a lesser extent, to point out racist agendas disguised as computer security). Sometimes, though, I wind up insulting innocent people in order to mock the absurd. I owe Canada an apology for this reason. But I can't apologize for the fearmongers. And I can't stop using comedy. It's the only effective weapon we can use against computer virus hysteria.
[continued in chapter 4]