Truth About Computer Security Hysteria
59% of dweebs suffer from 'False Authority Syndrome'
Rob Rosenberger, Vmyths co-founderSunday, 28 July 2002
[Editor's note: turn down the volume if you listen to the audio version of this column. Don't say we didn't warn you...]
LOOKING FOR A publication with an uncontrollable fetish for cyber-terrorism stories? Hey, you can always count on the horny toads at Federal Computer Week. Reporter William Matthews filed one of the more volatile fetish pieces I've read this month.
| I smell a massive pile of False Authority Syndrome here. Why should I believe 59% of respondents know enough about Al Qaeda to predict the strategy of their next attack? |
There is a 50 percent chance that the next time al Qaeda terrorists strike the United States, their attack will include a cyberattack, Rep. Lamar Smith (R-Texas) warned...I normally go halves on my cat's medication — but he just suffered another seizure, so I gave him the whole dose this time. I need to take feline barbiturates if I ever hope to understand the media's fetish for cyber-terrorism. My own brain must be misfiring right now from lack of kitty narcs, because I simply cannot tell you WHERE ON EARTH THIS "50%" FIGURE COMES FROM?!?
Did congressman Smith pull a number out of his butt like all the other brown-tinged guesstimates out there?
A successful cyberattack could cause billions of dollars in damage...News flash: the Melissa virus caused over $1 billion in damage in 1999. The ILoveYou virus caused $8.75 billion in damage in 2000. Source: Michael Erbschloe, Computer Economics, Inc. The White House claims viruses damaged U.S. businesses & government to the tune of $12 billion in 2001. Source: Richard Clarke, the president's computer security advisor. I fail to see why we should fear a billion-dollar Al Qaeda computer virus.
Al Qaeda members seem especially interested in how they might disable the systems that provide electricity to California, Smith said...Oh, come now. First of all, Al Qaeda already does this! Where do you think California's "rolling blackouts" come from? Do you honestly expect me to believe an inept U.S. power industry repeatedly attacks voter-customers in one of our top political strongholds? Get real.
Second of all, why does a hysterical congressman from Texas need to tell us about Al Qaeda's ongoing effort to destroy California? I don't know about you, but I want to hear cries of alarm from a hysterical politician from the Granola State, thank you very much.
About 90 percent of the nation's critical infrastructure is privately owned, and much of it remains vulnerable to cyberattacks...Logic tells us to nationalize the critical infrastructures to shore up our national security. Nationalize the banks, nationalize Ma Bell, nationalize the power grid, nationalize the airlines (not just the baggage screeners), nationalize the water supplies, and most certainly nationalize the Internet. Create a federal license for anyone who wants to drive on the information superhighway.
Remove deadly terrorist cyber-weapons from "gun-free zones" like schools & libraries. The president's computer security advisor claims today's youth poses a direct threat to national security and I can believe it. I say we should ignore the cries of the soccer moms who want the best education for their kids! Computer-illiterate high school grads can get a federal job screening airline baggage if they want to work with laptop PCs.
And speaking of battery powered carry-on luggage...
We need to remove cyber-weapons from everyone in coach, not to mention those snotty terrorists in first class who illegally crunch SETI data so dangerously close to a high-tech cockpit. Ignore the cries of the white collars, I say! I don't want another fuselage to plummet from the sky just because some silk-tie freak wanted to watch a pirated DVD while flying to Albuquerque on company time.
| How did so many IT dweebs acquire so much counter-cyber-terror expertise in less than a year? |
| And where were these 59% in early September when we NEEDED their prescient Al Qaeda theories? |
IRONICALLY — AND I don't make this stuff up, folks! — a fuselage may indeed plummet from the sky someday if the movie industry attacks a silk-tie freak who dared to watch a pirated DVD while flying to Albuquerque on company time.
And — I swear I don't make this stuff up! — it may soon become legal to "accidentally" kill people in a cyber-attack if the movie industry does it to stop piracy. But hey, don't fret your purty little head about it. We need to fear what Osama bin Virus might do to Industrial Light & Magic, not what Industrial Light & Magic might do to us.
(Speaking of ILM ... let's say a cyber-terrorist joins you on a flight to Albuquerque. He passes you a note saying "we must hack the evil empire of George Lucas before he consumes the world with more wooden dialog in another Star Wars prequel!" Tell me: who in their right mind would turn this guy over to the FBI? Man, I'd probably toss him a fiver to support his holy quest. Death to wooden dialog, I say!)
Let's continue with more inane portions from Matthews' story:
A June survey by the BSA showed that 74 percent of the...The BSA? As in the Boy Scouts of America? You mean to tell me these facts & figures flowed to us from an Eagle Scout who surveyed his high school friends to fulfill a computer security merit badge? I can't believe reporters take these childish publicity stunts so seriously.
Besides those reporters at FetishFederal Computer Week, I mean.
C'mon, it would be just as silly if ... um ... well, it would be just as silly if the Business Software Alliance published a cyber-terrorism survey. Ha! After all, what on Earth do they know about Al Qaeda?
Fifty-nine percent of those surveyed said they expect a major cyberattack...Here's a clue. Round up those 59% and ship 'em off to prison as accomplices before the fact.
{sniff} I smell a massive pile of False Authority Syndrome here, folks. Why should I believe 59% of respondents know enough about Al Qaeda to predict the strategy of their next attack? How did so many IT dweebs acquire so much counter-cyber-terror expertise in less than a year? And where were these 59% in early September when we NEEDED their prescient Al Qaeda theories?
Hmmm. Didn't those same 59% predict a global Y2K meltdown augmented by the predicted release of 200,000 Y2K viruses?
call for creation of a Cyber Security Agency within the Homeland Security Department...I hope the president puts his patriotic computer security advisor in charge of it. I can't wait for more thousands of Americans to die on Richard Clarke's watch. But this time I want them all to die at the hands of a deadly cyber-terrorist. I can't wait to erect a huge keyboard monument to commemorate the victims of the coming tragedy.
Hey! If Al Qaeda launches their cyber-attack soon enough, senator Charles "digital armageddon" Schumer (D-NY) can propose to erect a cyber-monument on an unused parcel of land in his own district.
LISTEN TO ME, folks. I've said it before and I'll say it again. If America's critical infrastructures are so fragile that a single HTTP request can push us to the brink of annihilation--
| Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) is right! We should dismantle the Internet for national security reasons. |
--and if the yearly cost to America from hacking & viruses rivals the entire yearly U.S. defense budget--
--and if the president's computer security advisor predicts Osama bin Virus will mastermind a cyber-tastrophe so large and so deadly that the federal government needs "a reconstitution plan" just to survive it--
--then it's time to dismantle the Internet as an abject failure. Period!
You can make no other logical choice here. None! I repeat: dismantle the Internet as an abject failure. The Internet was great while it lasted, but Darwinism tells us to run away from ticking time bombs as fast as we can and to not look back.
Hey, guess what? The Internet is a ticking time bomb. RUN!
Indeed, I think we should nationalize AOL/Time-Warner in an effort to eliminate computers, period. (Hey, we already nationalized Microsoft's computer security team!) The threat of America's destruction outweighs the trivial benefits any computer could possibly provide us. And we obviously should take computers out of the classroom as senator Schumer implies. Pimply e-terrorists shouldn't carry "weapons of war" to school.
Folks, it's time for the U.S. to return to the halcyon days of the transistor age. I think our national motto should be "what's wrong with a #2 pencil?" Albert Einstein didn't need a Casio fx-115M scientific calculator and neither do we. Do the right thing — dismantle the Internet for national security reasons.
I have spoken.
Now if you'll excuse me, I think my cat could use another half-dose of his seizure medication. Half for him, half for me. Half for him, half for me. Half for him, half for me...
