Cyber-terrorism strikes Vmyths!

Rob Rosenberger, Vmyths co-founder
Tuesday, 31 December 2002

GOOD MORNING. MY name is Rob Rosenberger. I'm the editor of Vmyths. Our Internet-based company is honored to support the Department of Defense in finding the culprit(s) who stole my personal data from TriWest Healthcare Alliance in a heinous act of cyber-terrorism.

"My identity was stolen by a cyber-terrorist when a burglar broke into an office on 14 December to steal some computer equipment."

TriWest posted a $100,000 reward for "information leading to the arrest and successful prosecution of those responsible for this very serious federal crime. A crime affecting more than 500,000 of our nation's patriots," such as myself. Anyone who has information that they believe may be helpful to this case, should contact Silent Witness (I think that's a hacker handle) at 1-800-343-TIPS. Again, the number is 1-800-343-TIPS. According to TriWest, my identity was stolen by a cyber-terrorist when a burglar broke into an office on 14 December to steal some computer equipment. As an antivirus critic, this past week has been one of the most frustrating of my career given the burden that this event has created due to the physical theft of my personal data. "The theft of this computer equipment and the files contained within is a matter of grave concern to everyone in our company and the Department of Defense," TriWest president/CEO Dave McIntyre assured me. "Since the discovery of the theft, we have taken measures to reconfigure our systems and enhance our security," he declared. When he said "reconfigure," I knew his employees had already changed their network passwords and updated their antivirus software to stop future cyber-terrorists who physically break into corporate offices so they can steal our identities. My hope is that those responsible for this federal crime will return the equipment and information, because its misuse would pose a huge burden on our nation’s military — those Americans, like myself, whom you count on to protect cyber-freedoms here and abroad. Knowing that the culprit(s) may not come forward, I am hopeful that TriWest's $100,000 reward will encourage anyone that might know something to come forward and inform the authorities about the cyber-terrorists and their IP address, or at least the zip code, of my stolen identity. In closing, I want to thank the Phoenix Police, Defense Criminal Investigative Service and the FBI's National Infrastructure Protection Center for the work that they’ve done and will continue to do to investigate the theft of my identity. I also want to thank TriWest president/CEO Dave McIntyre for all of his support. He is an individual who is deeply concerned about the prevalence of identity theft of U.S. military members like myself. Thank you, sir, for offering a $100,000 reward to solve this very serious crime against our nation’s finest, such as myself. Thank you.

"Some guy in a Hamburglar costume snatches a PC and McIntyre wants us to think the U.S. military is fighting off a half-million evil Captain Picard clones?!?"

Ugh! At least I put that behind me. Hey, we've got a New Year's party to attend and I don't plan to miss it. George! George, are you on my headphones? Yeah. Yeah, give Lew some headphones too. Tell me the truth. Did I hide my sarcasm well enough? I can't believe McInfool wrapped a flag around his idiotic little burglary. And he called it "identity theft!" I'm telling you! Yes, he, he called it identity theft! Yes he did. Hang on a second, I gotta, I gotta shove a salad down my throat or I'll never survive the hangover. Hang on. Mmmmm, Champagne City, here I come! Huh? Oh, come now. Some guy in a Hamburglar costume snatches a PC and McIntyre wants us to think the U.S. military is fighting off a half-million evil Captain Picard clones?!? Man, I want to know what kind of logic this guy follows 'cuz it sure ain't boolean, I can tell you that. I hope Santa dropped a lump of coal in his stocking, that's all I've got to say. Next thing you know, McIntyre will describe every airport laptop thief as a cyber-traitor working for Osama bin Laden. Ha! Then everybody can fork out $25,000 for a computer they should've donated to an inner-city school to begin with. Oh, you know what I'm saying. Man, I can't believe this. Huh? No! I don't get paid by the word or by the column. I did this one as a freebie for Vmyths fans, nothing more. I wanted to relax and hit someone in the eye with a champagne cork on the last day of the year, you know? But noooooooooooo! I have to publish a lame column about some idiotic burglary that just happened to put TriWest in the hot seat because of its HIPAA implications. Yeah. Let me tell you something, George: I probably shouldn't even call McIntyre an idiot. You know why? I mean, think about it. You realize the beauty of a $100,000 reward here? It means TriWest won't be a HIPAA punishment test case. "Oh wise and all-knowing HIPAA tribunal, show mercy on our patriotic little firm! The burglar was a cyber-terrorist working for Saddam Hussein! We offered a hundred grand to find the traitor and we even put a new latch on every screen door! Oh, please don't make an example of us!" Huh? Yeah Tommy, what. My mic is still MY MIC IS STILL ON?!?! You idiot! Shut it off! Shu--