Truth About Computer Security Hysteria

Sulfnbk pseudo-experts

"This was sent to me by my pastor so I know it is up and up..."

• "Not a hoax" and "not a joke."
  (Tops the list of common phrases.)
• "[I don't know if it's a hoax, but] better to be safe than sorry."
  (The most typical, and the most obtuse, rationalization for obeying the instructions.)
• "Do not rely on your anti-virus software. McAfee and Norton cannot detect it because it does not become a virus until June 1st."
  (No one bothered to explain how it will suddenly turn into a virus.)
• "It wipes out all files and folders on the hard drive."
  (Where did this assertion come from?)
• "A customer sent this [alert] to me and I had this virus on my computer, so don't put it off. Check your files NOW!"
  (The customer is always right.)
• "I checked my computers and found it on both of them. [Therefore] anyone who has been on the net probably has it."
  (Bill Gates would agree.)
• "[The virus] migrates to the 'C:\windows\command' folder."
  (False Authority Syndrome in action.)
• "[This alert] must be pretty true cuz I had it!!!!!!!"
  (You've had it, all right.)
• "oooh lord."
  (Why not call on Carl instead?)
• "He is absolutely wrong about [May] the 25th, because I know it activates on the 1st of June."
  (At least he didn't say "I know for a fact...")
• "The original email said to keep checking for this file every day till June 1st."
  (Check with your eyeballs, not with antivirus software.)
• "This was sent to me by my pastor so I know it is up and up."
  (Forgive me Father, for I have scanned...)

  "[name] would like to recall the message, 'ALL EMPLOYEES MUST COMPLY WITH THIS EMAIL'..."

• "We received this message from our service administrator. It's REAL."
  (Gotta watch out for those ordained administrators.)
• "Please check your computers, I have forwarded things from this person's email..."
  (Including, of course, the attached email. Some people never learn.)
• "[name] would like to recall the message, 'ALL EMPLOYEES MUST COMPLY WITH THIS EMAIL'."
  (Need we say more?)
• "My computer was infected with this virus — in the last ten days AOL crashed and my computer has been acting really weird — I blamed it on AOL — found the virus — the instructions say to email EVERYONE you have sent email to in the last few MONTHS — follow the directions carefully — also — this is only on my computer, yours may be different — but where it said to 'highlight' the file — that wasn't necessary because the 'find' function already did it..."
  (And I thought I used em-dashes liberally!)
• "It is a virus with a clock."
  (Do you mean the one in the lower right corner of my screen?)
• "If you work for a company/agency with an IT department, you might want to let them know so they can do a sweep."
  (Notify everyone in IT except the virus expert. He probably already knows about it.)
• "Either this is a hoax and I deleted something important... aaahhh. Ot its the truth, cause I found this file in my computer right were they said it would be! "
  (Better to be safe than sorry.)
• "This is for real, not a hoax, or at the very least, I found it on my hard-drive and don't know if it's an actual virus or not. Follow the directions in the attached email, and delete the file."
  (I'm clueless, but you can trust me on these directions.)
• "Your mail server has reported a possible virus detection to my system server..."
  (Don't ask me to explain this one. I'm clueless.)
• "[The virus] was created on April 23 so if you received an email from me since that date you should check your machine."
  (April 23, 1999, to be precise.)
• "There is not much in the code to indicate anything, except 'This program cannot be run in DOS mode.'"
  (More False Authority Syndrome in action.)

  "This was faxed to me this morning..."

• "A WORM type virus is now running through internet, hidden in e-mails and installing on your PC even without you knowing it. Its name is 'sulfnbk.exe' and it's programmed to run on June 1st. It's function is to simply erase your hard drive."
  (I'll ask again. Where did these assertions come from?)
• "This was faxed to me this morning."
  (Have your fax machine call my fax machine, we'll do lunch.)
• "This is not a hoax, but a special warning to everyone on the [name] mailing list to check your computer for the following virus... Virus software cannot detest it yet."
  (Yeah, I detest viruses too.)
• "If this turns out to be a hoax, I apologize."
  (Apology accepted.)