Picture-perfect paranoia

Rob Rosenberger, Vmyths co-founder
Monday, 30 June 1997

PICTURE THIS: A woman wakes up in the morning. She grabs a gun & flashlight hidden under the pillow and methodically searches her entire house for deranged killers. She searches the basement, the attic, and all the rooms (including the linen closet). She shines her flashlight in the cupboards, under the sink, behind the couch. She does this every morning.		PICTURE THIS: A man turns on his computer in the morning. Before it does anything else, the computer runs two antivirus programs which methodically search the entire system for deadly computer viruses. They search the RAM, the boot sectors, the floppy drives, the CD-ROM drive, and all the files on the hard disk (including the data files). The man unlocks his desk and checks all the floppies for viruses, too. He does this every morning.

Every morning, she finds ... no deranged killers. But this woman knows killers exist: she reads about them every day in the newspapers. Men who kill defenseless women for the simple joy of killing, men who find some obscene pleasure in doing it. This woman remains obsessively vigilant because she doesn't intend to fall victim to a deranged killer.		Every morning, he finds ... no deadly viruses. But this man knows viruses exist: he reads about them every day in the newspapers. Viruses which destroy critical data for the simple joy of destruction, viruses which find some obscene pleasure in doing it. This man remains obsessively vigilant because he doesn't intend to fall victim to a deadly virus.

So, having found no deranged killers, this woman finally starts her day. She heads to the bathroom for her morning shower. But only cold water comes out when she turns on the faucet! Clearly, a deranged killer shut off the hot water.		So, having found no deadly viruses, this man finally starts his day. He accesses a spreadsheet so he can work on the company budget. But the spreadsheet doesn't exist! Clearly, a deadly virus destroyed the file.

This woman leaps into action. She stops everything, grabs her gun, and calls the police from a cellular phone she keeps with her at all times. "There's a deranged killer in my house!" she screams. "I'm trapped in the bathroom!"		This man leaps into action. He stops everything, yanks the computer's power cord and network connection out of the wall, and dials the network administrator's voicemail from a list of numbers he keeps with him at all times. "There's a deadly virus on my computer!" he screams. "All my work on the company budget is gone!"

Sirens wail in the distance. Cops break down the door, race to her aid, and methodically search the entire house. One policeman asks for a description of the killer so he can issue an all-points bulletin. "I never saw him," she says. What did the deranged killer do, the policeman asks. "He shut off my hot water," says the terrified woman.		Footsteps thunder down the hallway. The network administrator and his assistants rush through the door, race to the man's side, and methodically search his computer. One assistant asks for the name of the virus so he can send a message alerting everyone in the company. "I don't know its name," he says. What did the virus do, the assistant asks. "It deleted the company budget," says the terrified man.

So the cop asks the woman how she knows a killer turned off her hot water. "When I turned on the shower, no hot water came out. That's when I had to assume a deranged killer shut it off. Why else wouldn't I have hot water?"		So the assistant asks the man how he knows a virus deleted the company budget. "When I turned on the computer, I couldn't access the budget file. That's when I had to assume a deadly virus deleted it. Why else would I have no budget file?"

Another cop enters the bathroom. "We found the problem, ma'am. The circuit breaker guarding your water heater had tripped. It probably happened in last night's storm." The woman doesn't really believe this excuse. "Every storm I can remember left my water heater alone. Why this time?"		The network administrator looks up from the computer. "We found the problem, sir. The budget file was in the root directory instead of the default data directory. It can happen if you choose File/Move instead of File/Modify from the selection menu." The man really doesn't believe this excuse. "I've selected File/Modify every time I can remember using this software. Why this time?"

THE POLICE DECIDE they need to pursue less-important things than this woman's immediate protection. They fix the front door and leave her shivering in the hallway of her home. As the cops drive out of sight, the woman sighs and heads for the kitchen. She replaces the batteries in her flashlight every week; she puts fresh bullets in the gun, too.		THE ADMINISTRATORS DECIDE they need to pursue less-important things than protecting this man's budget file. They reconnect the computer cables and leave him shivering at his desk. As the gurus walk out the door, the man sighs and reaches for his mouse. He accesses the Internet to update his antivirus software packages. He also searches antivirus company websites for details about viruses which delete spreadsheet files.

"You can never be too paranoid when your life is on the line," she mutters to herself....		"You can never be too paranoid when your job is on the line," he mutters to himself....

[presumed first edition,
published ca. mid-1997]